QuotedTale
Doctors fix everyone else and still get asked for free advice at every wedding. These doctor jokes are for them, and for the patients, nurses, MBBS students and NEET aspirants who live around them, in English, Hindi and Hinglish.
Tap Copy on any joke and send it to your doctor friend, your medical college group or the family WhatsApp. Everything here is clean and safe to forward.
Doctor One-Liners
Short doctor jokes for a WhatsApp status or a quick group reply.
- I told my doctor I feel tired. He said, "Welcome to adulthood."
- My doctor said I need more iron. So I started sleeping next to my ironing board.
- A doctor's favourite song at weddings: "Kuch kuch hota hai, aap check karwa lo."
- Doctors never fight. They just agree to disagree on the second opinion.
- My doctor asked me to cut down on sweets. Now I eat them in smaller pieces.
- Free advice is a doctor's most expensive service.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away, unless the doctor likes apples.
- The doctor said walk 10,000 steps. My phone said I walked 10,000 scrolls.
- Doctors have two moods: "on duty" and "on call".
- My doctor told me to avoid stress, so I stopped opening his bills.
- Every doctor has one skill nobody talks about: reading their own handwriting.
- A doctor's day off is just a day with fewer patients and more phone calls.
- The waiting room is where patience becomes a patient.
- My doctor said, "Drink more water." My chai said, "Technically, I am water."
- Doctors save lives. Their families save them a plate at dinner.
- Never argue with a doctor. They have inside information.
- The doctor said I need to lose weight. I removed my watch before getting on the scale.
- Google gave me ten diseases. My doctor gave me one paracetamol.
- My doctor friend's idea of a party: eight hours of sleep.
- A doctor's phone has more "Hi, small question" messages than anyone else's.
- My diet plan is simple: the doctor says no, I say "only today".
- Sleep is a myth invented by people who are not on night duty.
- Doctors do not have weekends. They have "less busy weekdays".
- I asked my doctor for a quick checkup. He said, "Sure, sit in the waiting room for two hours."
- "Take rest" is the prescription every patient loves and nobody follows.
- A doctor's stethoscope has heard more secrets than any diary.
- Doctors tell you to avoid junk food, then eat canteen samosas between rounds.
Question-and-answer doctor jokes for when someone says "koi joke sunao".
- Why did the doctor carry a red pen?
In case she needed to draw blood. - Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy. - What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?
A URLologist. - Why did the computer go to the doctor?
It had a virus and could not stop sneezing out pop-ups. - Why are doctors so calm?
Because they have a lot of patients. - What did the doctor say to the rocket?
"Time to get your booster." - Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It was not peeling well. - Why did the pillow see a doctor?
It was feeling a little stuffed. - What did one tonsil say to the other?
"Get dressed up, the doctor is taking us out." - Why did the clock visit the doctor?
It was running a little slow.
Doctor and Patient Jokes
The classic clinic conversations, from the waiting room to the bill counter.
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye every time I drink tea.
Doctor: Try taking the spoon out of the cup first.
Doctor: Do you exercise?
Patient: Yes, every day.
Doctor: What do you do?
Patient: I run late.
Patient: Doctor, I keep forgetting things.
Doctor: Since when?
Patient: Since when what?
Doctor: You need to stop eating outside food.
Patient: Okay, from now on I will eat it inside the restaurant.
Patient: Doctor, how much will this treatment cost?
Doctor: 5,000 rupees.
Patient: And if you do it without the English words?
Doctor: Your reports are normal.
Patient: Are you sure? I paid 3,000 rupees. Please find something.
Patient: Doctor, my phone screen time is 9 hours a day. Is that bad?
Doctor: Not at all. Mine is 10. Next patient, please.
Doctor: Have you been following my diet chart?
Patient: Yes, doctor. I stuck it on the fridge. I see it every time I open it for ice cream.
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Waiter: Sir, this is a restaurant.
Patient: See? I told you.
Doctor: Take this medicine after food.
Patient: And if there is no food?
Doctor: Then take food after this medicine.
Patient: Doctor, I cannot sleep at night.
Doctor: Do you use your phone in bed?
Patient: Only for 5 minutes.
Doctor: Which 5 minutes?
Patient: From 11 pm to 3 am.
Doctor: Any allergies?
Patient: Only to Monday mornings.
Doctor: That one has no cure. I suffer from it too.
Patient: Doctor, I read on the internet that I have a rare disease.
Doctor: Did the internet also give you a prescription?
Patient: It gave me a coupon code.
Doctor: Open your mouth and say "aaah".
Patient: Aaah.
Doctor: Good. My cat ran away and I wanted to hear a nice sound again.
Patient: Doctor, will I be able to play the guitar after my hand heals?
Doctor: Of course.
Patient: Great, I could never play it before.
Doctor: You must walk for 30 minutes daily.
Patient: I walk to the fridge 30 times. Does that count?
Nurse: Doctor, the patient in room 4 says he feels invisible.
Doctor: Tell him I cannot see him right now.
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.
Doctor: Pull yourself together.
Doctor, Doctor Jokes
The old "Doctor, doctor" format, with short, silly replies. Great for kids too.
- Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards.
Sit down, I will deal with you later. - Doctor, doctor, I think I am a bridge.
What has come over you?
Two buses, an auto and a bike. - Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a mobile phone.
Let me put you on hold. - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a cricket ball.
How's that? - Doctor, doctor, I swallowed a roll of film.
Let us wait and see what develops. - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a samosa.
You need to stop getting so hot and spicy. - Doctor, doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next, please! - Doctor, doctor, I think I am a dog.
How long have you felt like this?
Since I was a puppy. - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a piano.
Wait while I take some notes. - Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I am a Wi-Fi router.
I am not getting a good connection with you. - Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pencil.
Sorry, I do not see the point. - Doctor, doctor, I think I am a pressure cooker.
Calm down, no need to whistle.
MBBS and Medical Student Jokes
For first-year anatomy panic, viva fear and the five-and-a-half-year ride.
Relative: How long is MBBS?
Medical student: Five and a half years.
Relative: Then you will be a doctor?
Medical student: Then I will be a student again. It is called PG.
First year: I will read Gray's Anatomy cover to cover.
Second year: I will read the important chapters.
Final year: I will read the senior's notes the night before.
Professor: How many bones are in the human body?
Student: 206, sir.
Professor: And how many did you study?
Student: Enough to stand in front of you, sir.
Viva examiner: Tell me about the heart.
Student: Sir, mine is beating very fast right now.
Mom: Beta, you are a medical student. Tell me why my knee hurts.
Me: Mom, I am in first year. I only know the name of your knee.
A medical student's bag contains: three textbooks, two highlighters, one stethoscope worn only for photos, and zero sleep.
Friend: Bro, let us go to a movie.
MBBS student: Which one?
Friend: Any.
MBBS student: Then let us watch Grey's Anatomy and call it revision.
Every MBBS student's timetable
Monday: Read pharmacology.
Tuesday: Forget pharmacology.
Wednesday: Panic about pharmacology.
Thursday: Make colourful pharmacology notes.
Friday: Exam.
Medical students do not have a social life. They have case presentations with snacks.
Professor: Name a drug that causes memory loss.
Student: Sir, I forgot.
Professor: Correct answer, wrong reason.
Intern: Sir, when will I get a day off?
Senior resident: Tell me when you find out, then tell me too.
Wearing the white coat for the first time feels like being a superhero. Wearing it on the 30th hour of duty feels like being a very tired ghost.
Medical student in the canteen: One chai, please.
Canteen bhaiya: Exam is near, I will make it double strong.
Medical student: How did you know?
Canteen bhaiya: You asked for chai at 3 am.
Wedding uncle: You are studying to be a doctor? Very good. Now tell me, why does my left shoulder hurt when I eat rajma?
NEET Jokes
For the NEET aspirant, the drop year and everyone who knows what 720 means.
Relative: How much did you score in NEET?
Aspirant: Uncle, how much is your salary?
Relative: Achha, khana khaya beta?
NEET aspirant: I will study 14 hours a day.
Also NEET aspirant: Studied 2 hours, watched a 12-hour motivational video playlist.
NEET aspirants know three numbers by heart: 720, the cut-off and how many days are left.
Teacher: What is the powerhouse of the cell?
Entire NEET batch: Mitochondria!
Teacher: And what is the powerhouse of a NEET aspirant?
Entire batch: Chai!
Mom: Beta, you studied the whole day?
Me: Yes, Mom.
Mom: Then why is your Biology book still in the plastic cover?
Physics in NEET is like a guest at a wedding: everybody fears it, nobody understands it, and it still decides the result.
Kota student: I left home to become a doctor.
Kota hostel mess: And I will make sure you learn to survive anything.
Friend: Are you coming to the party?
NEET aspirant: Bro, my next party is after the result. Maybe after counselling. Actually, after MBBS.
Every NEET mock test
Before: This time I will score 650.
During: Why is this question in English?
After: Next test pakka.
NCERT Biology is the only book a NEET aspirant has read more times than their WhatsApp chats.
Nurse and Hospital Jokes
For the nurses who actually run the hospital, and everyone who has waited in a hospital corridor.
Patient: Nurse, will this injection hurt?
Nurse: Not at all.
Patient: Ouch!
Nurse: I said it would not hurt me.
Doctors write the plan. Nurses make it actually happen.
Doctor: Nurse, how is the patient in bed 7 doing?
Nurse: Better than you, doctor. He slept for 8 hours.
Visitor: What time does visiting hour end?
Nurse: Ten minutes after your whole family of 14 arrives.
A nurse can find a vein in the dark, a missing file in a pile and a missing doctor in the canteen.
Patient: Nurse, the food here has no taste.
Nurse: That is how we know you are recovering. Sick people never complain about the food.
Hospital rule 1: Do not disturb the patient.
Hospital rule 2: Wake the patient at 5 am to check if he is sleeping well.
Nurse: Sir, please do not leave the bed.
Patient: I just wanted to go home.
Nurse: Your bill already did.
Night shift nurses have seen two things most people never will: the hospital at 4 am and a doctor who is actually awake.
New intern: Where do I find the supplies?
Senior nurse: Ask me nicely and bring samosas.
Dentist Jokes
For the dentist friend, and everyone who has nodded through a conversation with a mouth full of tools.
- Why did the dentist become a gardener?
She already knew how to pull roots. - What does a dentist call X-rays?
Tooth pics. - Why did the king go to the dentist?
To get his teeth crowned. - What is a dentist's favourite time?
Tooth-hurty, of course. 2:30. - Why do dentists love Bollywood?
Every film has a filling.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every day.
My gums: We have never met.
Dentist (hands in your mouth): So, where are you planning to go on holiday?
Me: Aaa-ooo-aah.
Dentist: Oh nice, I went there last year.
Patient: Doctor, how much to pull out this tooth?
Dentist: 2,000 rupees.
Patient: For five minutes of work?
Dentist: I can do it very slowly if you like.
Kid: Mom, why does the dentist always smile?
Mom: Because she knows exactly how many sweets you ate.
Dentist: You need a root canal.
Me: Can I get a second opinion?
Dentist: Sure. You also need a cleaning.
Doctor Handwriting and Prescription Jokes
The handwriting that only chemists can read.
Patient: Doctor, I cannot read this prescription.
Doctor: That is fine. It is not for you, it is for the chemist.
Chemist: Not for me either.
A doctor wrote a love letter to his wife. She could not read it, so she took it to the chemist. He gave her two strips of Crocin and a cough syrup.
Doctor's child: Papa, please sign my school diary.
Teacher next day: Who drew this earthquake graph on the page?
Doctors' handwriting is not bad. It is encrypted for patient privacy.
Patient: Doctor, you wrote "take one tablet twice a day". What if I forget?
Doctor: Then take it once, twice.
Exam checker: This MBBS answer sheet is impossible to read.
Senior professor: Pass him. He is already writing like a doctor.
Chemists are the only people in India who passed a course in reading doctors' minds.
Kid: Papa, what language does our doctor write in?
Papa: Beta, nobody knows. Not even the doctor.
Doctor vs Engineer, CA and Everyone Else
The family dinner debate where every profession thinks it is the toughest. More of these in our CA jokes.
Engineer: I build bridges.
CA: I count the money for the bridge.
Doctor: And I fix both of you when the stress hits.
Doctor: I studied for 10 years to become a specialist.
CA: I gave 10 attempts to become a CA.
Engineer: I studied 10 days before every exam. Same result.
Lawyer: My clients pay me to argue.
Doctor: My patients argue with me for free, after reading Google.
Indian parents: Beta, you can become anything you want.
Also Indian parents: Doctor, engineer, or doctor.
Doctor Jokes in Hindi
हिंदी में डॉक्टर जोक्स, परिवार और दोस्तों के ग्रुप में भेजने के लिए।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, मुझे भूलने की बीमारी है।
डॉक्टर: कब से?
मरीज़: कब से क्या?
डॉक्टर: आपको रोज़ सुबह टहलना चाहिए।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, मैं तो दूधवाला हूँ। रोज़ बीस घर टहलता हूँ।
डॉक्टर: तो अब इक्कीसवाँ घर मेरा भी जोड़ लो, दूध अच्छा लाना।
डॉक्टर: मीठा बिल्कुल बंद।
मरीज़: और जलेबी?
डॉक्टर: जलेबी भी मीठी है।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, जलेबी तो इमोशन है।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, रात को नींद नहीं आती।
डॉक्टर: मोबाइल कितनी देर चलाते हो?
मरीज़: बस सोने तक।
डॉक्टर: और सोते कब हो?
मरीज़: जब फ़ोन की बैटरी सो जाती है।
पत्नी: सुनिए, डॉक्टर ने मुझे आराम करने को कहा है।
पति: बहुत अच्छा, तो खाना कौन बनाएगा?
पत्नी: डॉक्टर ने ये भी कहा है कि पति को बनाने दो, उनका वज़न भी कम होगा।
डॉक्टर: आपकी रिपोर्ट बिल्कुल नॉर्मल है।
मरीज़: फिर इतना पैसा क्यों लिया?
डॉक्टर: नॉर्मल बताने का ही तो लिया है।
बच्चा: मम्मी, डॉक्टर अंकल हमेशा "मुँह खोलो" क्यों कहते हैं?
मम्मी: क्योंकि घर पर तुम्हारा मुँह बंद नहीं होता, वहाँ खुलवाना पड़ता है।
रिश्तेदार: बेटा डॉक्टर बन गया?
मम्मी: हाँ।
रिश्तेदार: तो ज़रा मेरा घुटना, कमर, गला और बीपी देख ले। फ़्री में।
डॉक्टर: दवा खाने के बाद लेना।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, मैं तो दिनभर खाता ही रहता हूँ।
डॉक्टर: तो दवा भी दिनभर लेते रहना? नहीं! पहले खाना कम करो।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, इंजेक्शन से डर लगता है।
डॉक्टर: डरो मत, बस एक चींटी काटने जैसा लगेगा।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, चींटी से भी डर लगता है।
MBBS स्टूडेंट: पापा, मैं डॉक्टर बनकर गाँव में अस्पताल खोलूँगा।
पापा: बहुत अच्छा बेटा। पहले अपना कमरा तो खोल, तीन दिन से बंद पड़ा है।
डॉक्टर: आप तनाव मत लीजिए।
मरीज़: डॉक्टर साहब, आपकी फ़ीस देखकर तनाव अपने आप आ गया।
NEET छात्र: मम्मी, मैं पढ़ने बैठ रहा हूँ, कोई डिस्टर्ब न करे।
पाँच मिनट बाद: मम्मी, चाय मिलेगी? और बिस्किट भी?
डॉक्टर की लिखावट और पत्नी का मूड, दोनों को समझने के लिए अलग से कोर्स करना पड़ता है।
Funny doctor shayari in Hindi for your status. When exam stress turns serious, try our exam motivational quotes in Hindi.
- दिल का हाल सुनाने गए थे डॉक्टर के पास,
उन्होंने बीपी नापा और कहा, अगले हफ़्ते फिर आना ख़ास। - किताबें मोटी हैं और रातें छोटी,
MBBS में नींद भी लगती है जैसे सपनों की रोटी। - दवा की पर्ची पढ़ने की कोशिश बहुत की हमने,
अक्षर भी बोले, हमें तो ख़ुद नहीं पता हम हैं किसके।
Hinglish Doctor Jokes (Desi Style)
The desi classics in Roman Hindi, the way family groups actually forward them.
Patient: Doctor sahab, mujhe chakkar aa rahe hain.
Doctor: Kab se?
Patient: Jab se aapki fees suni hai.
Doctor: Aapko aaram ki zaroorat hai.
Patient: Lekin doctor sahab, main toh sarkari naukri karta hoon.
Doctor: Phir toh aapko kaam ki zaroorat hai.
Pappu: Doctor sahab, mere pet mein dard hai.
Doctor: Kya khaya tha?
Pappu: Shaadi mein gaya tha.
Doctor: Bas, samajh gaya. Kitni plate?
Pappu: Plate nahi doctor sahab, counter gin lo.
Doctor: Roz subah 5 baje uthkar daudna.
Patient: Doctor sahab, 5 baje toh main sota hoon.
Doctor: Toh 5 baje so jao, 6 baje daud lena.
Mummy: Beta doctor ban ja.
Beta: Mummy, Biology se dar lagta hai.
Mummy: Toh engineer ban ja.
Beta: Maths se bhi dar lagta hai.
Mummy: Toh MBA kar le, wahan sirf PowerPoint se darna padta hai.
Doctor: Aap smoking chhod dijiye.
Patient: Doctor sahab, maine kabhi ki hi nahi.
Doctor: Phir toh aap bahut lucky hain, ek bimari kam.
Ladki ke papa: Ladka kya karta hai?
Rishtedaar: Doctor hai.
Ladki ke papa: Kaun sa?
Rishtedaar: PhD wala.
Ladki ke papa: Matlab injection nahi lagata? Phir rishta pakka.
Doctor: Khaane mein kya lete ho?
Patient: Ghar ka khana.
Doctor: Aur?
Patient: Ghar ke baahar ka khana, ghar mein mangwa ke.
MBBS student: Doston, main doctor ban gaya!
Dost: Badhai ho. Ab party?
MBBS student: Party PG ke baad.
Dost: Aur PG ke baad?
MBBS student: Super specialty ke baad.
Dost: Bhai, hum log tab tak retire ho jayenge.
Patient: Doctor sahab, dawai kitne din leni hai?
Doctor: Jab tak ye strip khatam na ho.
Patient: Aur strip khatam ho gayi toh?
Doctor: Toh doosri strip le aana, chemist mera bhai hai.
FAQs
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Read also168 CA Jokes and Memes in Hindi and English: Funny Full Forms, Exams, Articleship and GSTRead alsoDad Jokes: Corny, Clean and Funny
Read also150 Engineer Jokes in Hindi and English: Students, Placements and CodingGot a doctor joke your group loves? Share it with us. For a break between shifts or chapters, try a fun quiz with your friends or our riddles with answers.
